Defending My Taste In Music

I recently had a conversation with someone that I dated a while ago during which I was asked if I was still into "all that weird music that I used to listen to." Not the most flattering way of describing someone's music taste, huh? She also said that adapting to my music taste was one of the hardest parts of our relationship (that word being used extremely loosely.) I guess a long drive without Ke$ha, Kid Cudi, Rihanna and Pit Bull is an offense worthy of damning my soul to an everlasting hell. Of all the questions that someone could ask me during a first date, "What kind of music do you listen to?" is by far my least favorite. In a perfect world, my response to that question would be, "I listen to music that moves me, makes me feel something and makes me think." But, I know that more questions would follow and we'd be back to square one. This is a topic that I've talked about quite a few times with my good buddy Jake who's reaction to these types of conversations can be found here. Here's an attempt to break down why I listen to what I do.

Musicianship

Quick story. My parents bought a Monster Truck Bloopers video that I completely wore out when I was a little kid. I loved seeing the wake of twisted metal that these massive trucks would cause as they flew over rows of cars. I'm not kidding when I say that I watched that VHS hundreds of times. I completely forgot about that old video until I was 15 or 16 years old and listening to Iron Maiden's Piece of Mind for the first time and "The Trooper" played. I knew immediately that I had heard that song before and it wasn't long before I connected it to that old monster truck video. Looking back at it, I'm sure that I loved that old video for the soundtrack every bit as much as I did for the trucks. How does that connect to whatever else I'm rambling on about? Iron Maiden played a big role in shaping my music taste. Most of Maiden's work was powered by powerful dual guitar harmonies, a driving, intricate bass line and complex drumming. I'm sure that almost any progressive metal outfit today is influenced in some way by Iron Maiden.

I probably focus more on the instruments that make the music than I do the vocalist. I find myself at times visualizing what it would take to play the notes/beats I'm hearing. If a band or artist is boring or simple instrumentally, I get bored with it really easily. This is one of my biggest problems with most of the music that the media pushes on us. Complex guitar, bass, and drum parts are replaced by boring computer-generated beats. That's not really music to me and it definitely can't replace the atmosphere that a full band can create.

Lyrical Content

Before I wrote this section, I took ten minutes to read through the lyrics of Billboard's Top 10 Songs of the Week and the absolute shit that people sing along to completely amazes me. One, most of today's popular artists don't even write their own lyrics. Two, the overwhelming thought that I had as I was reading through the "Top 10" lyrics is that I could pull any lovestruck girl out of high school, give her 15 minutes, and she could come up with something similar or better than what popular radio plays for us. For whatever reason, we are completely infatuated with the concept of love. Almost every popular song, book, and movie focuses on it. Is it a bad thing? Not at all. It's the most universal of all human feelings. But, doesn't it get a little boring hearing the same words rehashed in slightly different ways all the time? Even worse is most popular hip-hop music. Pick a catchy line, repeat it 200 times, and you've got yourself a best-selling song!

We live in a society that has trained us to live for instant gratification. The songs that most people listen to follow the pattern of verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus. The chorus (which usually carries the most intellectually challenged lines) is repeated over and over so that it gets caught in our heads. Catchy sells! And it takes away any chance of you thinking and interpreting songs your own way. It is part of the reason why people prefer Twilight or The Hunger games to Fight Club or No Country for Old Men. Does that mean that all songs that follow this ABABCB pattern are terrible? Not at all! I like plenty of these types of songs. At the same time, I'm perfectly content to listen to a 15 minute long song that doesn't ever repeat itself. I like the challenge of trying to figure out what a song is about rather than having it shoved down my throat.

I'm tempted to include excerpts of some of my favorite lyrics but I'm trying to keep this short and cohesive so I'll link another blog to this at some point.  

Concepts

When you look at my iPod, you'll notice that I don't have any stand alone songs. Every song that I have is surrounded by every other song on the album. I think that's how it should be. When the music industry decided to start heavily promoting singles, it allowed artists to come up with one good (or catchy) song and round out the rest of the album with filler. I have no respect for artists that have adopted this way of thinking. I think that albums should be strong enough that they can be listened to front to back without being tempted to skip half of the content.

This is one of the reasons that I love concept albums. I'm intrigued by bands who will take an idea or a story, embrace it, and build an entire album or discography around it. That way, every song plays an integral role in the overall theme of the album. One of my favorite examples of this is a band called The Dear Hunter. Their album The Color Spectrum is a 36-song journey that is split up into nine different four-song EP's represented by different colors. The songs on each of the EPs are their interpretation of what that color would sound like. The four songs on the Black album are heavy, dark and industrial sounding while the four songs on the Yellow album are more light, positive and care free. It was an ambitious undertaking but they pulled it off and in doing so, The Dear Hunter have created something a lot deeper and long lasting than most contemporary music.

I don't want anyone to get the idea that I like music because of its exclusivity. I don't adopt the hipster mentality that it's only good if nobody knows about it. Everyone that knows me knows that I'm more than willing to suggest music for them to get into. One of my favorite feelings is recommending a band that I've come to respect and love and see someone take it in and develop that same relationship. I'm also not saying that everything played on the radio is terrible. I just think that most of the time, those artists have one goal and that it to make as much money as possible. I have a lot more respect for artists that are in the industry to share an idea.

Now, on the subject of screamed vocals, I have heard just about everything.

"That doesn't take ANY talent. That's not music."
"That drives away the spirit of God!"
"That makes my ears bleed!"

Here's the deal. There are good screamers and there are bad screamers, just like there are good and bad singers. It absolutely does require talent and, believe it or not, takes practice just like anything else. To me, vocals are just another instrument. Some music fits together better with a vocalist that screams. Some music doesn't. I know that there are moments in some of the music that I listen to that are undoubtedly more powerful because of screamed vocals. I also know that it's not for everyone. But, just because I personally don't like the sound of a trombone, doesn't mean that I would be ignorant enough to claim that all trombone players are talentless hacks that "make my ears bleed." For the record, bands with screamed vocals make up *maybe* 20% of my discography.
(A list of 15 albums that have shaped my taste in music can be found here.)

So, once again, why do I listen to the music that I do? Because I like music that makes me feel something, music that is a catalyst to action, music that creates an environment that allows for new ideas and thoughts, music that allows me to escape. It's more than just another form of entertainment, it's a deeper relationship than that. Why do you have the music taste that YOU do? Think about it. I'd love to hear the reasons since you took the time to read this far.

I guess all of this is a long-winded response to a simple question. But, now I'll have something to refer someone to when someone asks me about my taste in music.

In Loving Memory of Mr. Kick Ball

    It is with heavy souls, tears in our eyes, and sadness in our hearts that we bring to you the news of Mr. Kick Ball’s passing from this mortal world. His radiant and awe inspiring life deserve a few minutes of our silent reflection and personal meditation.

    Mr. Ball was gently manufactured in Hiroshima, Japan by the hands of child slave labor. At a young age, he was shipped to America to fulfill his dreams of bringing joy and happiness to the other side of the world. Even in this new and foreign environment, he did just that. Everyone that spent time with Mr. Ball was a better person for it. He brought together large groups, provided hours of fun and laughter, and was a catalyst to new friendships being born. Even though he was kicked, thrown, tackled and otherwise bruised and battered, he never complained knowing that he was accomplishing his childhood mission of spreading happiness and laughter across the globe.

    His life came to an untimely end due to a tragic accident at the Snow College practice field. Though his bouncy, red exterior was old and had seen plenty of miles, Mr. Ball still offered himself to provide entertainment for others. During this activity, he was viciously kicked in the side and was sent spiraling thirty feet into the air. The impact of this kick tore open a seam and precious, life-sustaining air leaked out of his body as he flew high above the arms that eagerly awaited him on the ground below. His partially deflated body hit the ground with a sickening thud and those around him immediately knew that something was wrong. A circle of his closest friends gathered around him as he quickly, albeit painfully, transitioned from this life to the next. Those who knew him best say that they heard him quietly laugh with his final breath.

    Mr. Kick Ball is survived by his wife, who is a four square ball, and a set of five darling croquet balls (though they are rumored to have been fathered by a different man.) Funeral services will be held sometime after Spring Break. Please be prepared to reverently pay your respects.

15 Albums You Need To Know

One of the perks of working at a call center is the amount of dead time that your mind is allowed to aimlessly wander. Today at work, I took it upon myself to pick the top 15 albums that describe my music taste. I thought that the list would be more diverse if I only allowed myself one album from every artist. Otherwise, the list would have ended up being monotonous and predictable. I'm not pretentious enough to claim that these are the 15 greatest albums ever created. But, they are good. Damn good. They are the albums that have contributed most to shaping my musical taste. You should take the time to at least check my recommended tracks for any band that you don't recognize. I came up with this list without access to any of my music so I hope that I didn't leave out any album that blatantly deserves recognition.

Honorable Mention
Artist: Tigers on Trains
Album: Grandfather

 I couldn't find it in my heart to leave these guys off of my list but also couldn't justify moving this album above any of the other 15. So, they get an honorable mention. Tigers on Trains has been compared to an acoustic Brand New. One of the things that draws me to them most is their unorthodox lyrics.  If you like folky goodness, superb acoustic guitar work, and lyrical innovation, check out Grandfather. Recommended tracks: Sea Weed, The Silk Road, A Year in the Garden Shed

15
Artist: Oh, Sleeper
Album: Son of the Morning

For whatever reason, I've always had a soft spot for Christian metal bands. Maybe it's because the first time that I saw Underoath, the gave a shout out to Jesus right in the middle of us moshing and it was completely unexpected. I don't know if Oh, Sleeper claims to be a Christian band but their music definitely has heavy religious undertones. Son of the Morning is a concept album that describes the age-old battle between God and Satan and leads up to the climax of a final showdown. There is plenty of dialogue throughout and it is an interesting way of looking at the relationship between the two. The final songs ends with God screaming in triumph, "They will sing to a world reborn. They will sing as I cut off your horns!" Recommended tracks: Son of the Morning, The New Breed, The Finisher

14
Artist: Anberlin
Album: Cities

Anberlin is a band that I've seen four or five times but it has never been intentional as they've always been supporting headlining bands that I've paid to see. I'm not complaining, though. Lead singer Stephen Christian has one of the silkiest voices in the scene and is clearly the focus and highlight of the band. Cities is an album that reminds me of summers and working on the golf course, some of the happiest times of my life. The album is cohesive and can be listened through without being tempted to skip ahead to other tracks. Recommended tracks: Adelaide, Hello Alone, Alexithymia

13
Artist: SOJA
Album: Born in Babylon

If there is one album that doesn't really fit in with the rest on this list, it's SOJA's Born in Babylon. I got into a reggae phase for a while at the suggestion of a good buddy and SOJA is the artist that stuck out the most. I understand that reggae isn't for everyone but you can't really go wrong with the good vibes that this album puts off. Recommended tracks: Losing My Mind, You and Me, Gentleman

12
Artist: Brand New
Album: Deja Entendu

I had a hard time choosing between this album and The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me. Deja Entendu, to me, is the more consistent release throughout. Frontman Jesse Lacey isn't the most talented singer in the world but his lyrical prowess more than makes up for it. This album is full of catchy, poppy choruses that will have you singing along if by some chance you haven't been listening to Brand New already. Recommended tracks: Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades, The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows, The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

11
Artist: Taking Back Sunday
Album: Where You Want To Be

This is one of the most played albums in my entire collection and for good reason. Taking Back Sunday knows how to write a catchy, angst-laden song better than almost anyone else that I can think of. The songwriting is much less deep and mature than most of the bands on this list but it is arguably the most fun to sing along to. Unfortunately, one of only two good albums released by Taking Back Sunday. Recommended tracks: Set Phasers to Stun, This Photograph is Proof, I Am Fred Astaire

10
Artist: Protest the Hero
Album: Kezia

I don't know how to describe this album without being a little bit lengthy. And there's no way that I can explain the concept behind the album better than frontman Rody Walker himself. He says,  "There are two ways to explain the concept behind "Kezia": the literal meaning of it and the deeper meaning behind it. The simple explanation is that you have three characters on the album who all describe a certain situation from their point of view, which is the execution of a woman. We chose a priest, a prison guard who's also the executioner and the woman in question, Kezia. They all have three songs to tell their story. In the first song they paint a general picture, the second track explains how the character feels connected to Kezia and the third one is their view on the shooting of Kezia. The last song on the album brings us as a band into the picture, although the lyrics are written in the form of Kezia's last words. The deeper meaning of the concept is the gradual downfall of our society. We tried to make the lyrics timeless, so the story could be situated in any time period. There are also political and social critical messages in it. Not that we bluntly say that we hate Tony Blair or George Bush, but more in general comments on the fact that religion and power are getting more intwined every day. The album is also about the responsibility that everyone has as a member of our society. It's your civil duty to act when you need to." This album has outstanding depth both lyrically and musically. I also find singer Rody Walker to be one of the most versatile voices in the industry. Recommended tracks: Heretics & Killers, Blindfolds Aside, She Who Mars the Skin of Gods

9
Artist: Emery
Album: The Question

I don't think that Emery has released an album that I didn't enjoy to this date but The Question is by far their strongest release. Emery is at their best with layered dual vocals and that is on display throughout this entire album. It's another album that can be listened to without any lowlights or temptation of skipping through a song or two. The Question is a great album because you don't have to be in any one mood to listen to it, it works in almost any situation. Recommended tracks: Studying Politics, The Weakest, Miss Behavin'

8
Artist: Periphery
Album: Periphery

I haven't been acquainted with Periphery for more than a couple of years but I've worked feverishly to make up for lost time. When I first heard their self-titles album, I was blown away. I don't think that I've ever fallen in love with an album as quickly as I did this one. Periphery has plenty of detractors and some people call their self-proclaimed "djent" style gimmicky. I vehemently disagree. All musical aspects of this band are extremely talented, especially the drumming. Recommended tracks: Icarus Lives, The Walk, Buttersnips

7
Artist: Finch
Album: What it is to Burn

Regardless of how I feel about their releases after What it is to Burn, Finch will always be one of my favorite bands. They were introduced to me by a friend right after I moved from Arizona to Utah and I felt like I could relate to a lot of the message. They, along with Thursday and Thrice, were the gateway to the post-hardcore scene. While much of my love for this album is nostalgia, it is still a very strong, consistent release. Big poppy choruses are found throughout the album. The song "What it is to Burn" is still one of my favorite songs of all time.  Recommended tracks: What it is to Burn, Letters to You, Awake

6
Artist: The Fall of Troy
Album: Doppelganger

Listening to The Fall of Troy, you'd have no idea that they were just a three-piece outfit with the amount of sound that they project. Full of random, quirky riffs and fills, Doppelganger was one of my first experiences with progressive music. Thomas Erak's harsh vocals have always been some of my favorite. The fact that he does as well as he does vocally WHILE doing what he does on the guitar has earned my respect. I was torn up when these guys called it quits a few years ago. Recommended tracks: F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X., Mouths Like Sidewinder Missles, The Hol[]y Tape

5
Artist: Circa Survive
Album: Blue Sky Noise

I spent a summer in Houston, Texas selling door to door during which I spent upwards of two hours a day commuting. I remember completely abusing Blue Sky Noise the entire summer without ever getting sick of it. Vocalist Anthony Green is one of the most talented singers the scene has produced and the rest of the band is far from shabby. Every Circa Survive release has been extremely strong but I feel like the is the most mature and it's the one I relate to most easily. Recommended tracks: Strange Terrain, I Felt Free, The Longest Mile

4
Artist: The Dear Hunter
Album(s): The Color Spectrum

I'll say it, The Dear Hunter frontman Casey Crescenzo is a genius. The Color Spectrum is one of the most ambitious albums that I can think of and he pulls it off flawlessly. This album of 36 songs is splits up into nine different four song EP's, each of which represents a different color of the spectrum. From the aggressive and industrial sound of the black album to the folky and earthy green album to the harmonious white album, The Color Spectrum has a little something for everyone. Or, if you're anything like me, you'll devour the entire thing. Recommended tracks: Never Forgive Never Forget, But There's Wolves?, Lillian, Home

3
Artist: The Mars Volta
Album: De-Loused in the Comatorium

I have a hard time recommending The Mars Volta to people because I have no idea how to describe them and even less of an idea how it'll be received. From Wikipedia, "De-Loused is a unified work of speculative fiction telling the first-person story of someone in a drug-induced coma, battling the evil side of his mind. Though lyrically obscure, The Mars Volta stated in interviews that the album's protagonist is based on their late friend Julio Venegas, or "Cerpin Taxt", an El Paso poet and artist who went into a coma for several years after a deliberate drug overdose, recovered and later committed suicide." Heavy stuff, huh? The lyrics, as mentioned before, are ridiculously obscure but are well worth the effort spent deciphering. This album is latin and jazz infused proggy goodness. Recommended tracks: Roulette Dares (The Haunt Of), Drunkship of Lanterns, Televators

2
Artist: Between the Buried and Me
Album: Colors

Pick a genre of music, any genre, and Between the Buried and Me probably cover it at some point. One of the most versatile, eccentric and electrifying bands that I've ever listened to because they do such a great job of fitting so many different styles together. BTBAM is also home to my favorite drummer, Blake Richardson, who is an absolute monster on the kit. Colors is their most critically acclaimed album because it completed their maturation from an extremely talented death metal band to the progressive wonder kids that we know today. Stoked out of my mind to see these guys later this week with the band who is number one on my list. Recommended tracks: Sun of Nothing, Ants of the Sky, White Walls

1
Artist: Coheed and Cambria
Album: In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3

Anyone who knows my musical taste at all could have pretty easily told you what band would be on the top of my list. After over ten years of writing, producing and touring, Coheed and Cambria have yet to produce an album that I find anything less than exceptional. With this in mind, it was extremely difficult for me to choose just a single album of theirs. Within this past week, Coheed released the second half of a double album that is every bit as strong as their early releases. Frontman Claudio Sanchez has developed an alternate world, Heaven's Fence, that each of these albums somehow tie into. Aside from music, he has also produced comics, novels and will eventually have a full length film (Produced by Mark Wahlburg) as part of his Amory Wars saga. The man is insanely talented. In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 is an amazing album that deserves to be listened to all the way through. Recommended tracks (if you won't listen to the whole thing): In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3, The Crowing, Backend of Forever, A Favor House Atlantic, The Light & The Glass.


I understand that these album descriptions are short, vague and in no way do any of these albums justice. Music is a big part of my life and these albums are instrumental (no pun intended) in shaping my music taste over the years. Music, to me, is much more than just entertainment. Much more than just a catchy line that gets stuck in your head or something to sing along to with friends. It should be an experience and a journey. It should be personal. It should make you think of things that you'd have no chance of coming up with on your own. Music should be a representation of the good times and the bad, uncertainty, anger, peace, chaos, envy, elation, love, and every other emotion that we, as people, feel. It should be the soundtrack to your life. That's what these albums are to me. Thanks for reading and listening. 

Ranking Coheed and Cambria's The Afterman

After listening through Coheed and Cambria's The Afterman countless times over the past few days, I decided that now would be an appropriate time to rank them. I'm doing this entirely for myself so I can come back in a few months and see how much my taste has changed. Ranking the top half of this list was really difficult, almost like choosing a favorite child. That being said, here it goes.


1. Key Entity Extraction I: Domino the Destitute

2. Key Entity Extraction V: Sentry the Defiant

3. Gravity's Union

4. Number City

5. Key Entity Extraction IV: Evagria the Faithful

6. The Hard Sell

7. Mothers of Men

8. Goodnight Fair Lady

9. Away We Go

10. Key Entity Extraction III: Vic the Butcher

11. 2's My Favorite 1

12. Dark Side of Me

13. Pretelethal

14. Key Entity Extraction II: Holly Wood the Cracked

15. The Afterman

16. Subtraction

17. The Hollow

18. Iron Fist

Overall, I love the direction(s) that Coheed took with this double release. They managed to stay true to themselves while still experimenting with multiple new sounds and directions. The Afterman, at least after the first 20-30 listens, seems a strong enough release to snuggle up next to GA:1 and IKSSE:3 and compete for the best Coheed album.

Arizona Sports = Suffering

            I am a masochist. No, I'm not referring to the definition that refers to the enjoyment of being sexually dominated. That would probably make for a much more interesting blog. I'm thinking more along the lines of getting some sort of sick pleasure from pain. At least, that's the only way that I can justify my love for Arizona sports. I grew up in the Arizona desert and have remained fiercely loyal to the Diamondbacks, the Cardinals, and especially the Suns. I'd mention the Coyotes but since I follow  hockey about as enthusiastically as I follow croquet, hot dog eating contests, and the pattern of bird migration, I'll avoid them.

            For as long as I can remember, I have been emotionally bruised, battered, and beaten by expectations that haven't been met by my sports teams. Maybe I'm setting the bar too high, thinking that they can compete with the big market clubs that have seemingly infinite budgets. But, then again, what's the point of dreaming if you're not going to dream big?

            I never grew up much of a football fan. I tried to figure this out for a long time and finally came to the conclusion that the Cardinals were to blame. From the time that I was born to the year that I moved to Utah, the Arizona Cardinals went a terrible 80-144. In those 14 seasons, they lost almost twice as many games as they won. That's so bad it's almost impressive. When I moved to Utah, my new friends thought (and maybe they were right) that I was a complete loser because I didn't enjoy football. Here's the difference between me and them. Utah doesn't have a professional football team. So, they got the luxery of choosing to watch and root for whatever team they wanted to. Me? I was stuck with the Cardinals. No wonder I wasn't a football fanatic as a kid.

            The Diamondbacks broke my heart in a different way. I liked to play baseball as a kid. So, I was thrilled when it was announced that Arizona would be getting a baseball team. I think that their inagural season was in 1998 so I got to hit a few games with my dad before we moved to Utah. They were new, and almost immediately were more successful than their football counterparts. The 2001 season was particularly memorable. Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling formed the two headed monster at the top of the pitching rotation. The middle of the lineup was anchored by Matt Williams and Luis Gonzales. This was a fun team to watch. In August of that year, my family moved to Utah. I went from watching games in the stadium and on TV to reading box scores in the newspaper. Two months later, the Diamondbacks made the playoffs and ended up beating the Yankees in the World Series on a bases loaded bloop single against arguably the most dominant closer of all time. So why would this break my heart? I was ecstatic, don't get me wrong. But while all of my Arizona friends were celebrating the World Series win in person, I celebrated alone. Probably in the middle of my first snowstorm.

            Anyone who knows me knows that I live and breathe Phoenix Suns basketball. As a little kid, I dreamed of growing up to be like Kevin Johnson or a slightly skinnier version of Charles Barkley. I've always loved the Suns but resigning Steve Nash in 2004 created a whole new obsession. In the years soon after, the Suns had built a team that included a young and explosive Amare Stoudemire, Shawn Marion, Joe Johnson and Steve Nash as the core. This team should have been a dynasty. I'm sure that if they were the Boston Celtics or Los Angeles Lakers, it would have been. Steve Nash implemented a system that revolutionized basketball. He brought back the fast paced, frenetic tempo that so many teams are playing with now. Phoenix Suns basketball was exciting, fluid, and extremely competitive. If it weren't for the San Antonio Spurs and David Stern, the Suns would have multiple banners hanging from the rafters. Instead, years later, not a single person remains from the Steve Nash era. No titles and no trips to the finals. What was once a Ferrari is now a beat up Honda Civic thanks to inept management.

            None of this really has much of a point other than me trying to somehow convince myself that it's okay to keep rooting for teams that have no chance of competing, much less winning it all. I'll keep rooting for terrible teams because that's what I'm used to. And until the day comes where championship banners are being hoisted, I guess I'll keep enjoying the pain.

The Road and the Damned Intro

          The road was long and flat and winded like a rattlesnake through the desert. His horse plodded along, each step making a faint imprint in the dirt that was soon erased by the wind. The wind and the dust that accompanied it were their only companions. Not that he wanted it any other way. Thin, wiry sagebrush dotted the mostly flat landscape like a thick layer of freckles on the cracked, barren ground. Clouds floated in the distance but hardly threatened to storm. He wondered how long it has been since the thirsty terrain had tasted rain. The sun was slowly setting and the sky turned red and the clouds that hung in it looked as though they were filled with blood. It was a scene unlike anything he was used to seeing at home. Not that it was home anymore. Home now was where he rode, where he ate, where he slept. Home was the saddle on the back of his horse and the feeling of a pistol in his hand.

            He was raised the son of a southern preacher. Part of him had enjoyed the loud, fiery speeches from the pulpit and the way the congregation crowded into the large canvas tents just to be told that the way they were living wasn't how God intended. People would change or try to change but it never lasted for more than a few days. Hardly worth the effort of changing anything in the first place. It didn't take him long to realize that he didn't have much faith in anyone or anything besides himself. His problems didn't go away except by the power of his own hands and he didn't attribute his successes to anything other than his own hard work and that was enough to keep him satisfied. For whatever reason, he still carried his Bible with him. Its cover was well worn and its pages bent and stained brown with dirt, not because he read it often, but because it had been with him for as long as he could remember. Maybe it was superstition. Maybe it was because it represented a memory of his father.  He didn't know why but he carried it with him all the same.

             A pneumonia outbreak swept through his town when he was thirteen or fourteen. His entire family, father, mother, and younger brother, were afflicted with it to some degree. God didn't spare his preacher father or the rest of his family. He didn't spare much of their town at all. Maybe there was some truth to the notion that God wasn't pleased with the way they were living. Or maybe it was nothing but an unfortunate coincidence. He didn't spend much time thinking about it.  He and his father were able to recover. The rest of his family wasn't so lucky.

            He remembered the joint funeral, parts of it anyway. He remembered taking off his hat and squeezing it in his hands tight enough that he felt like he was strangling the non-existent life out of it. Just some unsuccessful attempt to keep himself from crying but the tears flowed anyways. His father struggled to stand on weak legs and struggled even more trying to put together his thoughts well enough to speak. The normally eloquent man was reduced to inchoherent stammering and someone else in the congregation stood and took his place and did their best to finish his thoughts. He didn't understand why anyone had to say anything at all. What they were feeling would stick with them more than hollow words anyways. Months later, his father recovered his physical health but he was a different man. He had lost the fire that had driven him to stand and preach to the masses, the fire to defend God's actions. The boy never saw his father stand behind a pulpit again, and he never blamed him. He didn't remember much more about it and maybe that was all he needed. Everything else was some sort of unpleasant memory that served no purpose other than to weigh him down so he let them go.

            The boy left home soon after. The town didn't have anything to offer him besides worn out condolences and sympathetic smiles. His father didn't say much of a goodbye, assuming that he would make his way back home before long. He didn't.